Tis the season to be terrified....

No one told me being pregnant would be so scary. Terrifying, actually. 

I should be used to the the fear, right?  After all, there were a lot of scary moments that accompanied infertility Will I ever have a baby? Will we be able to afford all these treatments? Will my husband stop loving me because I can't do this right? Am I destroying my body?

"If I could just get pregnant, I could stop worrying all the time," I told myself. Wrong. So so wrong. 

I'm eleven weeks into this journey, and I've already had six ultrasounds (one of the perks of infertility). I have seen my baby's heartbeat, and felt my own skip a beat as a result. I have seen it move its little legs and wiggle all around. They tell me everything looks marvelous, but still. Still....

Still, I go to every appointment expecting the worst, convinced that there won't be a little flicker on the ultrasound screen. And every time, I am shocked to hear that everything is fine. See, I'm so used to my body NOT working right, that it's hard to trust that it ever will. 

Some days, I am planning nursery colors and talking names...but on most days, I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.