What NOT to say to someone experiencing infertility

I am an open person about most things. Probably too open. If I have a problem with something or someone, I talk about it.  I write about it. I complain about it. I may will probably even talk behind your back about it. (I'm trying to quit that last one. It's on my list of things to stop before I'm 30). That's how I roll.

So it's no surprise that I chose to be open about our experience with infertility and PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).  To give you a little background, with my severe PCOS, we have a 1-4% chance of conceiving on our own without treatment. I know that our road has been short compared to so many infertile couples, but I don't know any of those couples. So to me, it sucks. A lot.  So we have been trying fertility drugs and IUI to help us, which increases our odds to 15%.  So far, no dice.

Even though I don't regret being open about this whole process, I totally understand why many (heck, most) infertile couples choose to keep it quiet - because when people hear news that makes them feel uncomfortable, their first reaction is to try to make the other person feel better. Often, they try to accomplish this by making  well-meaning, yet annoying (and sometimes hurtful) comments like these:

What NOT to say to someone who is experiencing infertility:

1) Just Relax!
I tried relaxing. In fact, I relax all the time because I don't have kids, remember?  That's why I want kids!  So I can never, ever relax again!  

2) Don't worry about fertility treatments. It will happen when you least expect it!
What are you? A wizard?  Infertility is an illness - something is wrong with my body.  Would you tell a cancer patient that their cancer will be cured when they "least expect it?" 


3) "Just enjoy the time to yourself right now.  After you have kids, you'll never have peace and quiet. "
I'm not an idiot. I know that kids take an insane amount of time and energy.  They're messy. They're loud. They're expensive.  They're exhausting. And that's ok! See, I don't just want a baby - I want the mess, the exhaustion, and everything that comes with it. And I won't stop wanting that. 

4)  Just be glad you don't have to deal with this horrible morning sickness / sore boobs / swollen ankles, etc. (And other complaints from pregnant people)
I would give anything to be sick if it meant I was pregnant.

5) You can always adopt!
Really?  Thanks!  I didn't know that! And next you'll probably tell me some great story about a couple you know who adopted a baby and then "poof!" They got pregnant.

6) It just isn't meant to be right now. 
Thanks, God. 


So what SHOULD you say?  If she brings it up, ask questions. Be supportive. Acknowledge that it sucks. Let her have time feel bad about yet another negative test. Go out for drinks. Ask her about testing dates, and tell her that morning that she's in your thoughts. If she doesn't want to talk about it, give her space. You can't go wrong by just being her friend.