The thing about infertility is that you can't escape from it. It's always there. Sure, there are moments I forget about it, a few precious minutes when I am too happy or preoccupied to remember that my body doesn't work right. But they're just moments. Not days, not weeks. Moments. And then, if only for a second, the pop of a pill or the stab of a needle forces me to remember.
Most days, I am able to smile through it and soldier-on.
Then there are days like today. Days when the emotional tidal wave hits without warning, and I am overcome with fear, anger, resentment, and doubt. And the jealousy. Oh, the jealousy. Sometimes I feel like it's eating my soul with its wickedness and I wonder who I've become. Last week, I was actually jealous of a pregnant dog. A DOG.
Over the past few weeks, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to turn my good moments into a full day. There are just too many triggers. It makes sense, though, when you think about it: There are people all around me. People created by people who could make people. People who could do something that I cannot.
amen!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the jealousy. My twin sister is 17weeks pregnant with her 3rd child and I haven't been able to get pregnant again since my miscarriage almost a year ago. It's been tough to say the least, but the jealousy is the hardest. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I know how all that feels. Last year was really hard on me with everyone I knew getting pregnant and me...nothing.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't stand to look at the bellys or anything that resembled baby gear. We've all either been there or are there.
It will get better at some point. I just wish I could tell you when.